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80 Hilarious One Liners That Will Crack You Up

by freespiritmag
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one liners

One liners have long been one of the most effective ways to share a thought or viewpoint, especially when used humorously. They are often quite cutting, meant to put one person in an awkward spot or to simply get laughs from their audience. Whether it be clever insults, witty comebacks, or one-liners meant for pure laughs; these quick and pithy phrases can often provide deep insight into the personalities that create them.

People who use one-liners as comebacks or insults are usually quite intelligent and wise, using their wit and humour as a way to make light of a situation. Funny one-liners can also be surprisingly meaningful; they are able to bring insight into people’s perspectives without going on for too long about why exactly one holds that certain viewpoint. Therefore, one-liners make for a great way to lighten the mood with a bit of comic relief while also leaving room for meaningful conversation and reflection.

Here are 80 one liners that will do just that.

  1. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
  2. How many licks until I get to the interesting part of this conversation?
  3. You are proof that God has a sense of humour
  4. Two things. Where have you been all my life and could you go back there?
  5. I’m envious of all the people who haven’t met you.
  6. If I throw a stick will you leave?
  7. You are a conversation starter, not when you’re around of course… after you leave.
  8. I will never forget the first time we met, but ill keep trying.
  9. Oh, I’m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  10. Someday you’ll go far, and I really hope you stay there.
  11. You b*tch, Meh! I’ve been called worse… Your girlfriend… Your wife..
  12. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
  13. I really tried to behave but there were too many other options.
  14. Sorry, I’m not a morning person, but I’m definitely an afternoon person.
  15. Some people should come with warning labels.
  16. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from someone else.
  17. I like the way you try.
  18. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.”
  19. “I’m not procrastinating, I’m just waiting for inspiration to strike.”
  20. If you’re waiting for me to give you permission to do something, you’re going to be waiting a long, long time.
  21. You know what they say: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.
  22. If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mother told you to in the first place.
  23. Life is too short to waste time on things that don’t matter.
  24. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  25. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
  26. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… and spiders, of course.
  27. Some days are just bad days, that’s all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that’s just the way it is.
  28. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a night owl.”
  29. If you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
  30. “I’m not overreacting, I’m just emotional.””I’m not emotional, I’m taking a mental health day.”
  31. You haven’t changed one bit, I’ll let you figure that one out.
  32. “I’m not being selfish, I’m just looking out for myself.”
  33. Aww, it’s so cute listening to you talk about things you don’t understand
  34. “I’m not being difficult, I just have high standards.”
  35. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Good for you.
  36. “I’m not being negative, I’m just being realistic.”
  37. I’m sorry you must have confused me with somebody who cared.
  38. You’re not wrong but you’re never right.
  39. “I’m not being pessimistic, I’m just preparing for the worst.”
  40. The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.
  41. “I’m not judgmental, I just have strong opinions.”
  42. “I’m not nosy, I just like to know what’s going on.”
  43. Do you see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
  44. “I’m not gossiping, I’m just sharing information.”
  45. Don’t feel bad a lot of people have no talent.
  46. “I’m not a control freak, I just like things to be done my way.”
  47. Do you see fuck you in my smile?
  48. “I don’t have commitment issues, I just haven’t found anything worth committing to.”
  49. Hold still, I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  50. I bet your parents are so proud that you can finally read at a 5th-grade level.
  51. “I’m not indecisive, I just haven’t made up my mind yet.”
  52. I’m not saying that I don’t like the way I look, but I do like the way I look better when I’m not wearing clothes.
  53. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
  54. Great story, but in which chapter do you shut the fuck up.
  55. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  56. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  57. You look so pretty, not at all gross today.
  58. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  59. If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it.
  60. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  61. You can’t sit with us! –Mean Girls
  62. There are over 8 billion people in this world, I like 6 of you.
  63. A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
  64. I like that sound you make when you shut the fuck up.
  65. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today… unless it’s laundry!
  66. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!
  67. I don’t have the energy to pretend the like you today.
  68. You’re never too old to learn something stupid!
  69. I’m not saying that I don’t like you, I’m just saying that turtles are way cooler.
  70. Hold on let me file that under IDGAF.
  71. “I was spitting out formulas when you were spitting up formula” -JC
  72. I’m not saying that I hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a bucket of water, I’d probably drink the water.
  73. I am returning your nose, I found it in my business.
  74. I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
  75. That’s a horrible idea. What time?
  76. I’m sorry for all of the mean, awful accurate things I said.
  77. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.
  78. I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
  79. Sorry, not sorry. 
  80. If you need me I’ll be at the genius bar, wondering why they keep charging me full price for half-eaten apples.
The end. 
one liners

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